The Aftermath of a Death

A personal reflection on grief, regret and remembrance 

Sometimes I wonder if I did the wrong thing. I drift back to those late night conversations with Marie my late wife. We talked about everything, our hopes, fears, the small things, the big things. Even our funeral wishes. She wanted a simple, unattended funeral. 
At the time, I promised I’d honour that, and I did. But now I find myself questioning it.
I regret not celebrating her life with friends and family, we did in a way we celebrated her birthday on the 17th of April the following year. But I regret that we never gathered, shared stories, or laughed through our tears at the time. Maybe she truly wanted simplicity, or maybe it was her way of sparing us the cost and the fuss. I’ll never really know, but what I do know is that I kept my word, even though my heart quietly aches that I didn’t do more.

Regret and Reflection 
Marie passed away at home on the 21st of December 2021, just two weeks after my mother passed away. When it came to Marie’s funeral, in hindsight I wish I’d spoken with her daughter, my stepdaughter, Tracy, and other family members, but it was such a difficult time. Arranging two funerals, sorting my mother’s estate and grieving. I was fragile, and perhaps I wasn’t thinking clearly. Maybe I took the path that required the least energy, not because I didn’t care, but because I had nothing left to give. 
When we’re alive, we rarely think about what happens after we’re gone. We don’t imagine the burden our loved ones will carry, the emotional, practical and financial weight of it all. It’s made me believe that grief should be talked about more openly, maybe even taught in schools, just as we teach kindness and mental health awareness. Grief is universal and sooner or later, it touches us all. Yet few of us know how to navigate the aftermath of a death. 

“Grief is not just sorrow,  it’s love with nowhere to go.”

The unspoken practicalities
After someone dies, life suddenly becomes full of paperwork and practicalities: registering the death, notifying banks, dealing with utilities, pensions, benefits and wills. There are endless decisions, about the funeral, music, flowers, whether there’s a wake or not, all arriving when you’re least capable of making them. It should be a time of reflection and celebration, but it often becomes a whirlwind of confusion, financial worry and sometimes even family disagreements. Remember you’re not alone, there are organisations that can help. Reach out to them, it doesn’t mean your weak, you just need a helping hand.

For practical guidance, start with the official overview: Bereavement help and support — GOV.UK. It explains what to do after a death in the UK and where to find extra help.

Talking about it while we’re still here
Perhaps the kindest thing we can do for those we love is to talk about death before it comes. Share our wishes. Include our families. Plan not because we expect the end, but because we want to ease the burden when it comes. When the funeral is over, life doesn’t return to “normal”. The real aftermath begins, a quieter, changed life that must find new rhythms and meaning. The struggle doesn’t stop, and it can be long and hard, I won’t sugar coat the heartache you will feel, the loss, the loneliness, the angrier, the questions. Remember there is help, I know because I’m still getting that help four years on. 

Coping with the Loss of a Pet
While writing this post, I realised that grief isn’t only something we experience when a family member or close friend dies. We also mourn our beloved pets, our dogs, cats, rabbits, horses, reptiles, and every animal that becomes part of our family. Pet bereavement is real and deeply painful, because when we lose a pet, we lose a loyal companion who brought love, comfort, and joy into our lives.
A close friend of mine, Penny, recently went through this heartbreak. Not only was she coping with the stress of her daughter being in hospital, but she also found her beautiful Maine Coon, Teddy, injured by the roadside after being hit by a car. The thought of such a gentle, loving animal being left alone and suffering was devastating.
The shock, the guilt, and the overwhelming sense of loss hit Penny and her family incredibly hard. When a pet dies, it often feels like a part of our home and our heart disappears with them. But with time, the pain softens, and the loving memories become what we hold on to. Penny will forever remember the joy, companionship, and unconditional love Teddy gave her throughout his short life.

If you’re grieving now
If you’re in the midst of loss, please know this: you are not alone. The shock, numbness, guilt and questioning are all part of the grieving process. Be gentle with yourself. Let others in. Tell the stories. Speak their name. Remembering a life isn’t only about sorrow — it’s an act of love and a way to keep meaning alive.

Bereavement support in the UK
These UK organisations offer compassionate support, information and someone to talk to. Many provide helplines, live chat or local groups:

Cruse Bereavement Support  Free and confidential support 
Mind: Bereavement — Support & self care  Advice on managing grief 
The Good Grief Trust  A national hub of bereavement resources
Child Bereavement UK  Support for families and children after the death of a loved one.
Winston’s Wish  Help for children and young people dealing with bereavement.
NHS: Grief and bereavement  Information on emotional and physical responses to grief.

For pet loss
Blue Cross Pet Loss Support | Pet Loss
Pet Bereavement Toolkit - RSPCA - rspca.org.uk
Loss & Bereavement Support | Animal Friends

The truth for anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one or a pet is although grief can feel unbearable at first, we are left with treasured memories, the love they shared with us, and the stories we will continue to tell. They remain with us always.

Share this post: #GriefSupport #BereavementUK #LifeAfterLoss #CopingWithGrief #TheAftermathOfADeath