Growing Disgracefully

A Cheeky Guide to Mischief, Mayhem & Marvellous Ageing

Because maturity is overrated and beige cardigans are a cry for help.

To all the magnificent rebels, the gloriously grey-haired renegades, and those stubbornly spirited souls who look age straight in the eye and say, “Not today, darling”
this blog is for you.

You know who you are.

The ones still chasing sunsets (and the last chocolate éclair in the bakery) with the enthusiasm of a toddler high on Haribo.
The ones who recognise that chaos keeps you young and laughter keeps you sane.
This is a tribute to your refusal to sit quietly, your commitment to joy, and your ability to trip over absolutely nothing with theatrical flair. You’ve shown the world that life isn’t a polite jog to the finish line, it’s a wild, slightly rickety rollercoaster. And the view from the top (even if the climb made your knees crack like a haunted wardrobe) is spectacular.

50 to 60 — The Decade of Daring
Ah yes, your fifties. That magical era when you realise you no longer give a toss about the Joneses — mostly because they’re exhausting, and their new blinds look like they were designed by a depressed pigeon.
This is the decade of saying “no” to nonsense (tight waistbands, pointless meetings, people who say “let’s circle back”) and “absolutely yes” to whatever makes your heart beat faster — dancing on tables, questionable hobbies, and wearing clothes that could double as disco balls.
You now possess the perfect blend of energy for mischief and wisdom to pretend you had nothing to do with it.
Cue: suspicious smirks, dramatic sighs, and the classic “Oh, I couldn’t possibly…” moments — right before you absolutely do.
Things To Try in Your Fabulous Fifties:
Develop a signature dance move guaranteed to emotionally scar your children. Bonus points for jazz hands.
Wear whatever the hell you want: sequins, leopard print, both simultaneously — Britain has seen worse.
Take up an embarrassing hobby. Stand-up comedy, pole dancing, extreme knitting. (Yes, that’s knitting while dangling from something dangerous.)
Perfect the terrifying death stare. Useful for anyone calling you ma’am like you’re a Victorian governess.
Join a club purely for the dramatic exit later.
Say something outrageous at dinner just to watch the room panic.
Send younger people cryptic texts like “The owl flies at midnight.” Then don’t respond.
Hop on a random train and see where you end up. Preferably not Scotland unless you’ve packed a coat.

60 to 70 — The Decade of Defiance
Welcome to your sixties: the age of being gloriously unbothered. You’ve earned the right to complain just enough for perks but not enough to get escorted out of Pret.
This is when you fully reclaim your mischievous side. Acting your age? Absolutely not. That ship sailed, sank, and was eaten by a large mythical sea creature.
One day you’re baking biscuits; the next, you’re signing up for boxing classes to “see how it feels to punch something legally.”
Also: this is peak age for dispensing wisdom — preferably baffling, possibly invented.
Try things like:
“Never trust a man in sandals in winter.”
“If a squirrel stares at you, look away. You’ll lose.”
Things To Try in Your Saucy Sixties:
Actually learn how to use the TV remote — then prank call tech support for entertainment.
Say wildly inappropriate things at family events. Watch your adult children go pale.
Walk around your town acting like a tourist. Camera, confusion, the lot.
Learn a loud musical instrument. Neighbours are optional.
Refuse to do anything unless there’s wine involved.
Answer every question with “Wouldn’t you like to know?” and flounce dramatically.
Write to celebrities as though you’ve known them for decades. How dare they not reply?

70 to 80 — The Decade of Mischief
Your seventies are pure, unfiltered chaos — and you’ve earned every second of it.
Wear pyjamas to the supermarket. Adopt a raccoon. Stop apologising for things you never should’ve apologised for in the first place.
Things To Try in Your Spectacular Seventies:
Walk into a shop, shout “This used to cost a nickel!” and storm out before anyone can question you.
Flirt outrageously with absolutely everyone — dentist, postie, bin man — spread joy.
Tell strangers ludicrous stories about your past.
Write a bucket list featuring items like “Crash a wedding” or “Join a pastry-related heist.”
Get a mobility scooter and challenge other seniors to parking-lot races.
Claim long-dead celebrities as your former best friends.
Have a full-blown argument with your pet in public. Act wounded when they ignore you.

80 to 90 — The Decade of Legendary Status
If you’ve made it this far, congratulations. You’re not just iconic — you are the main character.
You don’t break rules anymore; you are the rules.
Things To Try in Your Glorious Eighties:
Make up entirely untrue stories about your life and swear they’re accurate.
Begin every anecdote with “Back in my day…” but never use the same day twice.
Try to convince your doctor that red wine counts as one of your five a day.
Purchase a cape. No explanation needed.
Read out a list of the ridiculous things you’ve done in life. Watch the young ones scream.
Tell your grandchildren you ran away with the circus and were engaged to a trapeze artist named Madame Lulu.

Final Thoughts
To my fellow adventurers — the tea drinkers, the secret-sippers, the late-night gigglers, the mischief-makers, the unrepentant eccentrics — thank you. Ageing would be unbearably dull without your chaos, charm, and utterly unhinged life advice.
Cheers to us.
Raise your glass.
Preferably something stronger than tea.
We’re not growing old — we’re growing disgracefully.